Hanging with friends like the times we just hang out at Ryan's, and the not too long ago GIRLS NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! :] That night was really needed for all four of me ryan becca and bre. It was sooo funny to see how we matched up with the four girls of Sex In The City. We each related to a girl in some way and how some stuff was so right on it was so crazy. Becca was Miranda the career girl, the one that has everything in order all the time, Bre was Samantha the wild carefree one that always has something to do or go to, Ryan as Charlotte the nice preppy motherly one, the one that we all love and me as Carrie i really dont see how she matches with me relly.!??!?! IDK. hahaha but we had fun eating ice cream with our eyes clued to the tv watching all the girls go through live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this made me think of how with alll the roles that we connected with is there anyway that are lives could resemble those four girls in anyway? would i be the one who cant get married would becca really be the career mother bre be the one who is fashion forward with a great social and ryan being the mother of us all?!?!?!

IT MAKES ME WONDER!

let the words flow....

Last night me and my dad sat outside on the back porch and i helped him write a song. It was so great....he played the music and started to sing and i helped him fill in some words and what not. The point of the song is for my parents anniversory soming up and i found out my dad has been coming up with this song for a month now. The words were so great they all had to do with something thewy have done together or the way my dad felt when they first held hands in the park or went to disneyland. :] today i thought it would be a good idea to get him a journal so he could write down what he somes up with cause he never did before he just kept it in his head and came up with the music for it later. last night was a special night for me and my dad i really got to see and experience his true feelings for my mom for the first time it just took 18 years to see it.

Coming to a close

As the tide is coming in for 2008 i started to wonder what things have i done. Have i seen the things i wanted to see, been to places that i wanted to go , and done things that i will remeber for the rest of my life? well to answer those questions is difficult cause i have not done things i wanted to do or seen things i wanted to see. Wow i feel like this year is somewhat of a waste. This year was the year that i should remeber as a fun and fulling year i have so much going on and not much to show for it. I mean there are some things that i enjoyed but the stuff that i really wanted to do was not accomplished and that is entirely my fault, and i hate to say it but it is. My fault for not seeing what i wanted and going for it but letting other people tell me what to do and how to do it instead of letting my heart tell me how and what to do since in the long run knowing i did it for me is better then remebering being told to do something by someone that i might not rememebr a couple of years done the road.

So my new year resolution is to do things for but also for God, and doing what my heart says and not the people around me say.

some old pictures i found!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha ha ha these are like 2001 or 2000 pics!!!!!!! yeah we got first!!!!!!!! i was a badass!!!!!
ha ha ha Christmas party!
ha ha ha love this stuff it is so funny to look at these and think how my life would be different if i stayed with it!!!!!!!

what ever helps you slept at night....darling!

Thoughts have been rolling through my head the past couple of hours..... and it is somewhat hard to make sense of it for me.

i feel like i am going up and down and up and down but there is no happy madium.

I want that happy meduim in my life. I need it right now...in the mist of all the bad around me...and i dont know how all the bad got there?!?!? can anyone clue me in!?!?!

I have so much to do but all i want to do is just sit and take all the good in for just one sec. so i can know what it feels like to just be happy....pure happiness.

why is that so hard to do?

ummm.... today i faced a tough brick wall....not one i really wanted to face but it happened. i cant make sense of it and that makes me frustrated. i HATE that. but to find the answers to it seems to be the hardest part i mean i can say what i want or need to do but is it the right thing to do? cause all the other options seem to be blown out the window as of right now.

with life happening so fast right now i am afraid to mess the small things that could make me see the big picture.......the picture that would make sense of everything. but slowing down seems to not be such a great option.....so i am stuck, stuck in a bind that seems to be comtroling me really good.

I am sorry.....

I am sorry that i am not what you wanted me to be.
I am sorry i can't make all your dreams come true
I am sorry your time seems to be wasted with me.
I am sorry i am burden to you both.
I am sorry that i did not follow what you had to say to a T.
I am sorry that everyday it is not just flowers and sunshine when i come home.
I am sorry that i try so hard to be strong and show that i am being resopnisible i guess it just was not enough.
I am sorry that i am not the brainy girl you wanted mom or the creative artisty one for you dad.
I am sorry that i never went over and beyond what was expected me for yall.
I am sorry that i never kept Jacob undercontrol or kept this family together.
I am sorry that i seem to put to much stress on you both when all i wanted to do was be the gilr that you could bragg about to al your friends mom.
Most of all i am sorry for hurting you in every way i did; i never ment to;i never tried to make you sad.

A bomb has exploded right infront of me

The first week of my senior year is over. I wish i could say that this year is going to be a piece of cake....but it is more like a whirpool pf things that i need to get done....fast! Whether it is just waking up on time for school or it is to making sure i can follow insructions for applications to a T. So many things to but all i want to do is slow down and enjoy what i have in my life right now. Just want to be creative and be care free of what i want to do. Why is it that i feel so out of place with everything? i am going through the motions but i feel nothing when i do them.

I come to realize that by doing all things i need to do my happiness suffers. And to love your life is to be happy. But if i dont do the things i need to do my life might not be as happy in 10 years as i thouht it would be. so how do you compromise it?

I have turned my back on some things that have made me truely happy in the past. And trying to turn back around seems to be and a little scary to me.